Dress Developments: Totally Unexpected

I scheduled a meeting with the seamstress this week, but in a moment of bravery I decided that I wanted to try one last time to try on actual wedding dresses.

The last time I went to a bridal salon was in the summer. But I was armed with a new determination and a more fearless attitude. I'd heard good things about Alfred Angelo, and thought I'd give them a try.

The shop was a long drive away, and I never visit this particular city without letting one of my best friends, who lives there, know I'm in the area. When I called her 30 minutes prior to the appointment  (that I'd just made) to tell her I'd be in the area, it turns out she was free for the day and came right down to the salon to shop with me!

The woman on the phone was extremely helpful and friendly when I spoke to her and asked about sizes, so I was very encouraged. We went in, and the saleslady asked me what styles I wanted to try on. I told her that I'd never been to a salon where I had more than one or two options, so I told her the style I thought would work for me. But I fully intended to take the advice from Weddingbee brides, who always say to try on things you don't think you'll like, so I told her I was open to anything!

And now for the necessary warning:

source

First, I tried on a dress that I thought was a sure thing: Alfred Angelo's 1148. Asymmetrical draping, off-the-shoulder... everything that had been recommended for a bride of my shape. Here it is:

Whoops! Can we say, "too much fabric?" So much for the draped look. And the off-shoulder neckline does frame my face nicely... but it makes my shoulders look even more sloped. The first word that came to mind when I saw this was "sausage." What a nightmare. Moving on.

We tried on a couple more, mostly dresses that I won't picture here or I pulled off as soon as I put them on. I just wasn't sure... until we tried on this one, the 2024. I'm not planning to wear any color with my dress, but the sash can be changed. Here it is:

Here's where it gets interesting: I always said I'd *never* wear strapless. But it's quite the improvement over the 1148. My shoulders get to show whatever shape they have, my upper back isn't nearly as "puffy" as I thought, and I like the clean, plain top. It's a little "princessy," though. Let's try another one!

Here's the 830. Simple and clean, and the fabric is very pretty in person; the satin almost looks like dupioni. I like this one the best. Keep in mind this dress is one or two sizes too small.

Hey, look! I have a shape! Eri took some pictures with my camera, and you can see how luminous the fabric is. I was pleasantly surprised; the dresses and customer service were well above my expectations for Alfred Angelo (sorry to any AA fans out there, I truly had no idea)!

Cool! I have a profile, even.

So, I came away from the shopping trip and learned a few things.
- I am not worried about strapless anymore. I like my shoulders; it's my arms that I'm self conscious about. But my arms will look the same whether my dress has straps or not. So, who cares?
- NO DRAPING of any kind. Plain & simple!
- A wrap-style top will help divide my giant bustline.
- Waist definition is great!
- A plain A-line skirt looks *awesome*.
- I still want to have my dress made. Even if the 830 were ordered in my size, it's not quite perfect for me. 

I'm so glad I made those phone calls, both to the salon and to my friend (who took all these pictures). I'd always wanted that bridal dress shopping experience, and I finally got it. I was always sad that I couldn't go dress shopping with my mom and expected to go it alone. But I'm so glad my friend was there to take lots of pictures and be encouraging! How awesome is that? Incidentally, she understood exactly how I felt. Two years ago, she also shopped for her wedding dress alone. Her mom lives in Japan, much farther away than mine.

Next up? What will I do with all this knowledge? I meet with the seamstress pretty soon...!

The Most Important Thing

My mother and I were invited to a wedding once; it was my mom's co-worker and my mother had heard endless details about this wedding for over a year now. We drove an hour, parked our cars, climbed up a San Francisco hill by ourselves at night and rode an ancient elevator in a questionable building.

We were ushered into a room with no chairs and not enough food, and full of hungry people, and we stayed there -- for two hours. We had no idea what was going on, until we heard someone say it:

"Oh, what a beautiful wedding." What?!

Turns out, this particular bride invited some guests only to the reception, and others to both events. I remember how cheated we felt; especially my mom, who knew this woman more closely than I did. We drove all this way only to miss the point?

Of course this anecdote is related more to the personality of this particular bride than anything else, but I think it underscores the importance of allowing your guests to see you get married, and to feel a part of that experience.

I read something a while back about the wedding ceremony being a focal point of the day itself. (What else would it be? That's the whole point!) The article went on to say that if your wedding ceremony is beautiful and meaningful and heartfelt, and if it draws your guests in, that everything else about your wedding day will flow smoothly.

A few weeks ago, I got a chance to flesh out the ceremony. We met with our officiant, a very nice spiritual lady who has lots of ideas. Almost without thinking, I figured out the elements of our ceremony. It seems like we will have:

- a dedication & brief remembrance of those relatives not with us
- a reading by one of my best friends
- a song performed by my cousin (a violinist)
- vows that we do not write ourselves (but choose in advance)
- an invitation for our guests to bless us in our new marriage
- jumping the broom

To help us, we are using one of my favorite ceremony planning books: The Wedding Ceremony Planner. It's an excellent book, especially if one is not particularly religious.

It is so important to me that our ceremony reflect us in a way nothing else that day does. Falling for Mr. Oyster, and being with him every day, is one of the simplest things in the world to me. Marrying him is such a natural step for us to take, and we are so happy to do so. I hope our guests can understand what this means for us and share our happiness, and I especially look forward to feeling the encouragement and love of all those who have taken this step before us.

Here is one of the best wedding ceremony sermons I've ever heard, at the wedding of Jennifer and Ming. I found this through the Stillmotion blog, and I love the words and the sentiment:

*Beautiful ceremony photo by Justine Ungaro.

We Just Knew: Our non-proposal story

A year ago this winter, I was getting ready to go back to work after winter break, and my boyfriend and I had just come home from seeing Rachel Getting Married. At this time in our relationship, I was starting to feel like I knew he was "the one," and I was wondering what that would mean for us. I had an idea that he'd felt the same way, as he'd been hinting at it, but I wasn't sure.

Rachel Getting Married isn't really a story about a wedding, at least not on its surface. But it does feature several sincere and heartwarming wedding-related scenes, and by the end of the film, I couldn't help but wonder if this wonderful boyfriend of mine would be with me for our own, real-life wedding scenes. I wanted to know where we were going, but I was afraid to say anything, because I didn't want to risk being disappointed if we weren't on the same page. Actually, I was terrified. But I was doubly inspired because the movie is also about overcoming personal issues & fears. So, later that night, I decided to talk to Mr. Oyster about how I'd been feeling, and it ended up being perhaps the most memorable night of my life.

What started as a relationship talk, casually begun while taking down the Christmas tree, turned into an utterly emotional and somewhat unexpected discussion of how we felt for each other. It turns out that I'd had nothing to worry about. It was soon apparent that our feelings were mutual, and when we realized it, we made the mutual decision to be married. Married! Us! The exact moment might have been a surprise, but our engagement really wasn't. It was like we were just saying out loud the things we'd already known. And from that moment we were together in a way we hadn't been before. We were different.

Things were so informal that I never made an actual announcement. The next day, I called my mother and my two best friends, and we formally told his parents over dinner a few weeks later. I received a beautiful ring a couple months later.

But on the night of our engagement, there was no ring, no bended knee, no asking anyone's permission. Just two people in love, who looked at each other and knew, and decided together. I can't imagine anything more personal or more romantic. Looking back on it now, FH says, "It matches our relationship. It's us."

*Photo by me.

Money Matters in Marriage

Like most people, I don't like talking about finances, but I promised myself I'd spend as much energy preparing for the wedding as I would preparing for the marriage... so I try to confront these potentially uncomfortable issues when I get a chance.

The New York Times published a few good articles on couples' finances a while back.

The articles, by Ron Lieber, are very helpful, if brief, and are in two parts. The first one, "Four Talks About Money to Have Before Marriage," outlines the ways in which marital finances are impacted by our upbringing, our expectations, our attitudes toward money, and other habits.

When it comes to this, I know I'm definitely not perfect when it comes to finances. I tend to hyper-manage my money, sometimes even programming my browser's home screen to go to my bank's webpage so I can remind myself of what I spend. Not surprisingly, I'm also a spreadsheet junkie. :)

This means, though, that I tend to over-budget, which leaves little room for surprises, and that I worry about money when sometimes I don't need to. I also attach guilt to my spending, which means I'm extremely frugal for a while and might blow it later. I can trace all this to my childhood, which was marked by economic ups & downs, and my fear of repeating my late father's money management mistakes.

But also, my father's death really was a catalyst for me thinking about money. I was 20 when he was killed in a car accident. Most vivid in my memory are all the times my father "had to work," and everything he missed as a result (we had an especially poignant conversation when I left for college, where he confessed that he felt he didn't really know me as well as he'd wanted, because he'd missed so much). Our relationship definitely suffered because of that, as did his marriage to my mom.

And then he was gone in an instant, and it didn't matter at all how much he had to work. And all those material things he'd amassed; they were still here, and he wasn't, and they didn't matter much either.

I decided then that for my life, for myself, security would always be more important than wealth. I don't mind driving a 10 year old car if I have the means to maintain it. Our house doesn't have to be the biggest, but if it's safe and clean and comfortable and everything works, I'll be happy. There are more important things.

Fortunately, my fiancé's approach to money wasn't shaped by anything nearly as traumatic. He had a more consistent upbringing, and doesn't feel guilty for the occasional splurge or two. He isn't near as spreadsheet-happy as I am, so he leaves that to me -- and I don't mind a bit!

The second article, "Five Money Woes That Can Trouble a Marriage," is more about the unexpected things that can get you down.

When a couple is facing the next 40+ years of their lives together, it's impossible to predict everything and pre-determine your answers to things. After all, many of the things that financially devastate us are also emotionally wrenching, and we can't say with certainty how we'd react in the future.

This article is more about finding out your responses to crises, and your approach to catastrophe, and a reminder to deal with things as a couple, as a team; and of course, everyone should have a nest egg.

Continuing this theme was the story of the Bachmuth family, whose young daughter is literally pulling her hair out from the stress Mr. Bachmuth's job loss has imposed on his whole family. Particularly interesting were the issues of traditional family/gender/breadwinner roles, and how a shift in those roles can be devastating (or not).

Many of the comments following the article are judgmental (okay, the couple's argument about firing the cleaning lady does sound a little out of touch), but the audio slide show puts things into perspective. From the pictures & audio, I saw a couple struggling with something they never thought would happen to them, and they are handling it the best they know how.

Do I think I'd react differently to that financial situation? Absolutely; I see a lot of issues here that seem bigger than the current economic crisis. But I can't judge. Who knows what marriage will bring? All we can do is promise to work through it -- together.



*Image of the book from Amazon.com.
*Image of the Bachmuth family by Michael Stravato for the New York Times.

Worth a thousand (more) words

Our lovely invitations, chosen by Mr. Oyster, are probably the only thing I've been 100% consistent about throughout this entire wedding planning process.

When it came time to order them, I'd decided that the wording should be simple and formal. Easy, right? I arrived at the shop with all the information in tow (typed up, no less!) and a day later, I got the call.

They wanted to change my invitation wording because it is improper!

Specifically, they want to change my "half past five" to "half after five" and we disagree about the usage of "two thousand ten" vs. "two thousand and ten." (They prefer the latter, by the way.) All my research says that both are acceptable, but it seems that "half after" and "two thousand and ten" are most likely related to British usage and are therefore more formal.

Two things at work here. First of all, I am having a formal wedding, which requires a formal invitation with formal wording. So I get that this is the time to be "correct."

But I wonder if these etiquette rules might just be too obscure for me. Who IN THE WORLD says "half after five"? I've never seen it; every wedding invitation I've seen says "half past." Every invitation also says "two thousand and ten" and since it looks better in print, I might concede that one. I might even write "half after" for the time... but I can just imagine my family calling up saying, "When is the wedding?"

On the other hand, just because large swaths of people don't understand an etiquette rule doesn't mean it's invalid.

We'll see. At this point, the invitation reads:

The pleasure of your company is requested at the marriage of
[Bride] and [Groom]
[Day] the [nth] of July
two thousand and ten
at half after (?) five in the evening
[Name of place]
[City, State] 

[in the lower right hand corner]:
A reply is requested by the [Day] of [Month]
[website address]

I had originally written, "Please r.s.v.p. by [date], but realized that, while in English, "to r.s.v.p." is a verb or a noun, it's actually a phrase that already contains the word please (Respondez, s'il-vous plait). But most people will read it as a verb, so...

Honestly, I'm surprised that I care so much. But as someone who loves language, loves to write and is interested in what words mean to different people, this is actually kind of fascinating.

Also, I think it's funny how wedding invitations, like so many aspects of the wedding itself, bring out these issues of class and style. I think many wedding disputes we have now are the result of being in different classes, and, at least in the United States, of our society being in sort of a transitional period with different cultures & class systems. I mean, wouldn't this be easier (but so much more boring!) if every member of one family was in the same social class (and thus, had the same expectations for your wedding)? But, thankfully, hardly anyone can say that anymore. Interesting.

*The photo is of Emily Post, who frightens me a little.

Verily, Vera

I'm not quite a die-hard fan of Vera Wang's wedding dresses, but I am a fan of Vera herself. I remember when the Lifetime channel was getting into the wedding-tv craze, they would air a biography of her every so often, and I watched it nearly every time it was on.

When I heard her describe her latest line on the Martha Stewart Show "wedding" episode last spring, I thought it seemed uninspired. What bride wants to look like her dress just came from the washing machine??

But when it comes to individual dresses and ideas, Vera's thought process is so interesting. Ivanka Trump's beautiful dress got lots of people thinking twice about how beautiful & sexy one can be... without showing everything! Ivanka is pictured below, with her dress inspiration, Princess Grace.

from here

In this video, Vera talks through her process for Ivanka's dress, and makes some interesting points regarding chastity, class, and modesty in wedding dresses. She also throws out the idea that not too long ago, it would never have been proper for a woman of a higher class to wear a revealing dress. Imagine that!

In speaking about this dress, Vera reported that she is "tired" of the past 15 years of strapless dresses... and I do have to say it seems kind of ubiquitous. It would be great for sleeves, or, coverage in general, to be seen as an equally beautiful option instead of being relegated to the un-sexy, or the über-traditional (I'm referring to the media at large here -- in real life we know how beautiful dresses with sleeves can be!).

Ivanka is a recent convert to Orthodox Judaism, and presumably decided on sleeves for this reason. But what if that wasn't the reason? Currently, several of the articles describing her dress are quick to make the excuse, almost as if to say, "Well, she could have been sexy, but her religion got in the way."

It's true, we liberated women don't need to trumpet our chastity down the aisle. But wouldn't it be even more progressive if we acknowledged the complexity of both? That one doesn't have to choose, that you can be both sexy and tasteful at once, that maybe your sexiness lies in your decision to be tasteful? That maybe there are other things to be on your wedding day besides sexy*? And who defines that, anyway?

*Seriously, I think it's great to be sexy on your wedding day! I'm mostly complaining about the definition of it, and wondering about how susceptible we are to those mass media definitions.

Playing the Wedding Card

I was trying to pay one of my vendors, and my card was declined. Oh no! The result of poor money management? Cutting it too close between a deposit and a payout?

Nope (well, at least not this time)!

Turns out I have a daily "transaction limit" on the card. Who knew? So, I called the bank... best to speak to them and make sure they knew I wasn't the victim of some scam. They wanted to know why I needed the limit increased, and I told them that I'm planning a wedding and trying to pay deposits.

As I said this, the lady on the phone got *so* excited for me. "Congratulations!" she says, and puts the limit increase through immediately. "Weddings are so exciting! I hope you have a wonderful day!" I thought it was very sweet, especially since her enthusiasm and sincerity came through, even over the phone.

Inadvertently, I'd played the "wedding" card, and received excellent customer service as a result. Unfair? Maybe, maybe not. I mean, if I'd been trying to appeal to her good will to get "one up" over some other customer, like cutting in line or something, I suppose. But I think of all those wedding advice columns, that instruct brides & grooms to make sure the hotel & restaurant staff know that you're on your honeymoon. Sometimes you'll get a perk, sometimes not. I don't think there's any harm in appealing to people's natural sense of good will.

Have you played the wedding card? How did it work out?


*Photo from Flickr

Which fabric?

The only time I've ever tolerated looking at bugs on TV was to see how silk is made. I remember a couple years ago watching a documentary about it, and I found this cool blog with pictures and explanations.

When choosing fabric for my dress, I looked everywhere for a glossary of fabrics, and I found this *wonderful* glossary from J. Crew. Here it is (italics mine):

Our cotton cady comes from a premier Japanese mill. This fabric has a compact weave and a crisp cotton hand, making it ideal for structured silhouettes that fit the body perfectly without drape. Our designers love the juxtaposition of simple cotton with a very elegant shimmer.

Cotton organdy: an ethereal, semi-sheer fabric with a stiff, crisp finish that seems to float on air. Ours is covered with gently swaying, embroidered flowers and comes from the same Japanese house that makes our very best eyelet laces.

Our signature cotton, also known as Liberty Tana lawn (named after Lake Tana in Sudan where the cotton was originally grown), comes from Liberty Art Fabric—legendary for their distinctive textiles and prints. It's a soft, lightweight, woven cotton, combed with a crisp finish and boasting a graceful drape.

Pronounced "tool" and well-known as the stuff ballerina tutus and wedding veils are made of, we use it as a crinoline in our Whitney dress to give the skirt a dramatic silhouette. The word "tulle" comes from the French city of that name, but it applies to hexagonal mesh fabric no matter where it's made.

A very refined, utterly elegant fabric with a cool, dry hand. We searched far and wide for an airy, angelic fabric like this and finally found it at an Italian mill with a sterling reputation for fine linens.

This softly rippled fabric is silk-cotton cloqué with a "hammered" finish and a full-bodied drape. It's specially treated during the weaving process for a slightly crisp handfeel and a very festive rustle.

Also known as crepe-backed satin, it's a designer's dream because either side of this splendid fabric can be used as the face. The contrast of matte crepe and shiny satin in the same design, coupled with a luxurious drape, is simply spectacular.

Crinkle silk chiffon lends an ethereal quality to party dresses and gowns. Its whisper-light beauty and subtle texture adds a touch of dimension to basic chiffon. It drapes beautifully, and takes dyes and prints particularly well.

The marriage of smooth silk and crisp cotton creates a lightweight, diaphanous fabric with a subtle shine and a soft handfeel. We think it's just perfect for a wedding dress.

Dupioni is a lustrous silk characterized by a quiet sheen and nubby texture. Woven in India, dupioni takes dye beautifully and thus, is often shown in a wide range of rich colors. Its crisp hand makes it a popular choice for dresses as it lends subtle structure and elegant drape.

A four-ply, crisp organza with a tight weave. We get ours from a very famous Italian mill. It's a heavier fabric with an even texture and a luxurious matte finish.

A heavier, elaborately woven fabric that combines several textures into one material. It's a subtle way to wear a pattern, making it a perfectly unexpected option for a wedding gown.

The ultimate in elegance with a luxurious feel and a brilliantly lustrous shimmer. This rich, substantial fabric has a crisp, firm texture with raised cords, making it ideal for structured silhouettes that exude sophistication and drama.

An ultra-luxurious, very special fabric usually reserved for royal weddings and haute couture. This midweight Italian silk is so rare that we have only a few limited gowns available.

Lightweight and lustrous, it's woven the same way the Persians made silk taftah five-hundred years ago: with very fine, almost invisible ribs that make a festive rustle whenever you move.

Silk tricotine is a triple-ply matte fabric with a twilled weave and a slight sheen. Cut on the bias, it has a heavy drape with a beautiful, flowing movement. It's substantial enough to shape itself to the body without cling.

The smoothest silk with a touch of wool, lending a very sumptuous hand to the fabric. Silk wool is known for taking color beautifully and imparting a rich, deep lustre.

Slub silk was historically used for "high court" gowns because of its luxurious handfeel. The subtle, uneven texture of the fabric is due to the weaving of double strands of silk. We love the rich look and feel of it for our special occasion dresses.

I started getting interested in fabric mostly because (a) I watched my mom sew growing up and it's all coming back; (b) I am fascinated by how fabric affects how the dress will hang, how it will move, and how it will reflect light (what can I say, I'm a photographer!); (c) I can't imagine spending "x" amount on a dress and not knowing what it's made of; those fake fabric names the dress designers use ("Luxe polyester") make me crazy.


I know that in the big picture, this doesn't matter much, as long as you love your dress. But I find it fascinating. What can I say? I've discovered my fabric nerdiness.