The Plus Sized Trousseau

Some images in this post may be NSFW.

One of the things I'm scrambling around doing in these last two weeks is ordering copious amounts of lingerie, because, well, I'm getting married, and... well, you know.

A few years ago, a friend who was getting married called me in an hysterical panic because her future mother-in-law had purchased bridal lingerie for her, and presented it to her at her shower. She was incensed, and embarrassed, and annoyed, and I (and my eardrum) got the brunt of it.

I managed to calm her down and told her that this acknowledgment of the sexual aspect of marriage is very, very common (she is from a country and culture where this is definitely not the case) and we had a pretty good conversation about how people all over the world, particularly women, help each other out when it comes to that whole "marital bedroom" business.

I think that in Western culture, one version of this is the lingerie/bridal shower. I am not having a bridal shower, but I've decided to gift myself with some cute little items that I have started referring to as my little trousseau. It has been fun discovering these items, which, to be honest, I haven't shopped for until now.

I tend to think of marriage as a social rite of passage, so in that context, talking about lingerie and so on doesn't really bother me. I wouldn't talk about it so publicly, though, unless I thought it might be helpful -- I had great difficulty finding cute things in my size, so I thought I'd share what I learned with other brides in the same position as I am.

I'll start with what you might actually see me in -- a getting-ready robe. I like the long white ones that say "bride" on the back, but I couldn't find one in my size -- not even a plain one I could embroider. Actually I did, but I absolutely refused to order anything from a site whose name is something like Big Gals Sexy Stuff -- I kid you not.

Anyway, I gave up on the idea when I saw this post suggesting some colorful robes to get ready in, and I found this flowery set from Roamans. I'll save the gown for later, but I plan to wear this robe while I'm having my hair and makeup done. Unfortunately, it is "in transit" with no scheduled delivery date, so maybe you won't see it after all -- maybe I won't, either!



The go-to place for plus sized sexy stuff is Hips and Curves, but unfortunately, the items there (a) run very small and (b) tend to be fetish items, like corsets and costumes. There are whole treatises on why plus sized women aren't seen as "elegantly sexy" and instead are reduced to fetishes, but that's beyond the scope of this post. Needless to say, I was a little disappointed, although they do have some lovely things, including an entire series based on this beautiful pattern:



I love the delicate pink and lace. In this pattern, you can order this cami set, a short chemise, or a nightgown.

I also discovered that Oscar de la Renta makes plus size lingerie. You can order it via Bare Necessities, Her Room (which has a bunch of other great stuff) or Nordstroms.



I ordered that set (above), called "Modern Elegance," when it was 50% off, and I regret it. To me, it looks so "elegant" as to be boring. I can always use an extra slip, so I'm trying to decide whether to keep it. Here's what I'd really like, but it isn't on sale:

Nordstrom carries it in both black and white. I would say that the sizing of Oscar de la Renta is pretty generous, and their 3x should fit up to a size 26.

Now for my favorites: I had no idea that Betsey Johnson has a line of plus sized lingerie. Unfortunately, the term "plus sized" is misleading, as it only fits up to a 2X which they define as 18-20. I wasn't going to order anything from her, but I happened to see this little beauty for 50% off at a discount store:



It's pink! I was surprised by how well it fit, so I took a chance and ordered this set, which I find absolutely stunning:





I fully admit to being suckered by this shot, which shows the outfit's non plus-sized counterpart.



Isn't that gorgeous? What about that doesn't say, "morning after?"

The robe fits beautifully, but unfortunately the little slip in this set didn't fit me as generously as the pink one. But I didn't send it back, rail against the injustice of the fashion industry or burst into tears -- I got a yard of white organza and my sewing machine, and fixed it right up. It fits beautifully now, and it is the most "bridal" of the lingerie I have ordered. I may be looking forward to wearing this set as much as I am my wedding dress. But I bet you can guess the reasons for that.

Those are my recommendations for elegant, plus sized, "bridal"  lingerie. But of course, everyone's tastes are different. Feel free to share your great finds in the comments!

It doesn't get easier

I have so much to look forward to in the coming weeks. I'm getting married (married!) to a wonderful man whose family loves and embraces me. Family will be coming from all over the place and both of us will be so busy and things will be celebratory and happy, and we will look forward to starting our lives together. But as many other Bees have written, even something as happy as a wedding can be tinged with a sense of loss for those no longer with us.


A little while ago, Mr. Oyster and I attended a wedding. It was lovely; the bride was beautiful, lots of happy, supportive family members, and a lot of cute little dancing kids. Everything was just fine until the father/daughter dance. When the bride and her dad took the dance floor, I was watching quietly with everyone else, when --surprise!-- I burst into tears and actually had to leave the room for a few minutes (luckily no one noticed). 

Hadn't I grieved for my father already? I had done everything you're supposed to do when you lose a parent -- giving yourself time to grieve, strengthening relationships with remaining family members, therapy, etc., etc... but I realized, or had always known really, that there are certain aspects of this type of loss that just don't get easier.

I have always had a soft spot for father/daughter dances, and this one was no different. I've grieved his loss a million different ways, but show me a little girl and her dad, and it gets me every time. When we went to this wedding, a couple months ago, it was around the time it was really sinking in for me that I was getting married. When I saw the bride dance with her father, I was reminded of all the things I never got to have my father here for, and all the ways he will not be a part of my life... which include my wedding.

My dad was a nice guy. He was a big, football player-looking type, with a great smile and a sparkling personality. We shared all the interests that are a major part of my life now: teaching, music, photography, computers, writing. My dad is also where I got my incredibly silly sense of humor. When I was younger, Dad would turn on the music and we would run around the house, making up impromptu dances or songs that we would sing to my mom, who would look, bewildered, from one of us to the other and remark at how much we were alike. Later in life, things between him & my mother weren't so good, and our relationship suffered. But I have so many good memories, and over time, those are the ones I remember most vividly.

Sometimes I imagine a parallel life, one in which my father had lived. (I've read that this is common among people who've lost a parent.) So much of who I am now is because of the loss I suffered then. If my father were here, would I still be the same person? I guess it doesn't matter, but I wonder what he would think of Mr. Oyster, and I imagine he'd be happy to walk down the aisle with me at the wedding.

I'm writing this on Father's Day. This is my least favorite holiday; because of the obvious loss, but also because the anniversary of my father's death is the second week in June, so I am always mourning and dealing with Father's Day at once. This year is the tenth without him.

Some years are easier than others. Sometimes I'm distracted, like the year I spent the summer in another country. A couple times I celebrated with a friend who'd also lost her father. And I imagine that someday, Mr. Oyster and I will have entirely new little reasons to celebrate Father's Day, which is something to look forward to. But today is a little difficult.

If you're lucky enough to have a father or stepfather (or both!) to walk you down the aisle, be grateful, whether your relationship with him is a close one or is fractured. Help him with his tie; dance with him; savor all the happy moments you have. Make sure you thank him for being at your wedding and give him a hug. That is what I would do.

Me at age 2, taken by my dad.

"We're jumpin' it!"

I'm incredibly lucky to be marrying Mr. Oyster, a man who has embraced my culture and traditions wholeheartedly. He has been very excited about our wedding broom, and it has just arrived!

I mentioned a while back that I might like to have the broom be something passed around the family or on to future generations, or at the very least, displayed on our wall somewhere. But first, I had to get one. I thought Michaels might have one, or a craft store, but I was completely wrong. I even considered getting one from a costume shop (hello, witches!) for a deep discount.

But Mr. Oyster, noting my concerns about the "heirloom broom," got very interested in this, and decided to take charge of this Matter of the Broom. I did not anticipate that he would take it so seriously, but I love that he did.

Mr. Oyster looks so proud of his find:

And then he promptly began chasing me around the kitchen with it.

Well, at least it's good for something.

We got ours from "Brooms by Chris," who provided excellent, personalized customer service, (Mr. Oyster spoke to Chris himself), even if it was not particularly quick. Mr. Oyster says the broom took about 4-6 weeks to arrive, but I think it's worth it for a handmade broom!

I initially planned to decorate the broom myself, but after speaking with our florist, and seeing that he's done some brooms before, I just decided to hand it over to him to work his magic on. I explained that I wanted to keep the broom for the future, so we asked that it be decorated with silk flowers instead of real ones. Our florist is a great guy and, luckily, was not offended by our request. I'm so glad to take that off my to-do list!

It was a great feeling to see the broom that I'm going to jump with my husband. It's like, real, tangible evidence that a wedding will happen. The best part was when we "tested" it and Mr. Oyster said, "Woo-hoo! We're jumpin' it!"

What was something that made your wedding "real" for you?

The Place to Be

When I was in seventh grade, a girlfriend and I decided we would be cool by answering the phone, no matter who called, by saying, "Hello, this is [name] at The Place To Be!" I don't know what conversation led to this clever plan, but suffice it to say it didn't last very long.

Why that random memory? Well, because I'll be sharing our venue with you in this post, of course! And for that one night in July, to us anyway, it will absolutely be The Place to Be.

If it's a popular wedding venue in Dallas, not only do we know about it, but we've probably called, emailed, or visited. Most of this is complicated by the fact that we started out planning two different types of weddings (oops).

After our outdoor wedding idea melted away, it was back to the drawing board with a few requirements:
- A place with windows (I still wanted to see the sunset at our wedding)
- A beautiful ceremony site and reception site, since we wanted both in the same place, and both indoors
- Easy to get to or in a place people could reference easily (ie., "Downtown").
- and of course, a place that met our budget.

The venue-hunting process was more difficult than we would have liked. Some places were downright rude, others, openly discriminatory. Some were extremely gracious, but just not right for us. Some of them never returned calls or emails (and this was before we'd offered them any money!). One extremely popular place lost our vote when we pulled up and Mr. Oyster said, "It looks like a funeral home!"

At another one, we went to an "open house/tasting" and came home with ill stomachs (ew!). Another place had no wheelchair/disabled access ("Well, can't she use the service elevator..?"). One place was painted a weird shade of green that gave me nightmares, although it did have beautiful natural light. Here is a contemplative Mr. Oyster at this venue. I wonder what he was thinking??

"My stomach hurts."

But after all the drama, the last place on our list turned out to be the best one: the Tower Club.

As soon as we walked in, we loved it. The Tower Club seemed to be a good mix of classic + modern decor, and has some interesting places to take pictures. This is helpful especially since, considering it's July, we will not want to go outside for portraits.

I don't know if there are many all-in-one-spot Dallas brides; from the way vendors talk, we're the only people they know not getting married in a church (gasp!). I don't have any pictures of a ceremony taking place at our venue, but it will be in the room pictured below. I love chandeliers and I'm glad we'll have them at our wedding!

Luckily, some great local photographers have been to our venue. Totally embodying the urban chic aesthetic of the Tower Club is the wedding if Gina & Derek, photographed by F8 Studios. I love this view of the city. 

From this image, I got the idea of using pinspots to highlight arrangements and give the room some visual interest -- on the opposite side of this gorgeous room is a boring beige wall. :(

I initially hated these circular ceiling fixtures, but decided they can actually look kind of cool:

 

I love this wedding from Table4 photography. This image helped put my mind at ease halfway through planning, when I began to feel sad about not finding a place with prettier walls or higher ceilings:

The dance floor doesn't look too bad, either:

I'm still debating whether to do a traditional send-off exit, which seems a little contrived, or a more organic exit where people sort of fade away and we can say goodbye at leisure. Guess which one the venues seem to prefer? Anyway, it makes for a great shot or two (this one from Stacy Reeves):

I worried about confusing myself, or causing additional stress, by seeing so many pictures of weddings at our venue, but I found that it just made me feel better. I wasn't really able to make our wedding "real" until I saw these photos.  It was great to see so many different weddings in the same place, which reassured me that we can indeed "make it our own" despite there having been so many weddings there.

I highly recommend to brides (and grooms) is to find pictures of weddings that have already happened at the venue you're considering. For a Google search, just put in "[venue name]" [city] wedding photography (or "photographer").

No matter how cool it looks in person, you need to see it when it's full of people, lights, flowers, etc. and get a feel for it. Plus, it's fun to put yourself in the place of the brides in the images -- pretty soon, that could be you!

Goldilocks and the 26 Venues

When we first began planning this wedding, we had a very different vision. Here's the first inspiration board I created, nearly a year ago.

We wanted an indoor/outdoor wedding, maybe in a beautiful garden or in a rented bed and breakfast. We thought it would be great to have our families stay all together for a day or two before the wedding; we could go swimming, play with the kids, and then have our wedding. Something family-oriented, elegant, and "summery."

You may have noticed that our wedding is in July... JULY. In Texas. Apparently, our January engagement gave us complete weather amnesia, so we wasted some time looking at outdoor-ish venues. Yes, we could have switched to a different month, but being teachers both, the time of year was more important than the type of wedding. So we gave up that dream.

Maybe our wasted time can be of use! If you're planning a wedding in the spring, here were our favorites:

White Oaks Ranch (in Pilot Point). I saw this wedding, shot by one of my favorite local photographers, and just had to know where it took place. The lady on the phone was so helpful, but I never got to meet her -- upon learning our date, she let me know that this is an open-air facility (I didn't know that from the pictures), and thus has no air conditioning.

However, the fee includes rental of the entire place (venue, catering/staff, and the entire hotel) for two days. There's a pool and beautiful grounds and everything! If it was the right time of year, I absolutely would have been into this place.

We also loved Dallas Heritage Park. This is the photo (from D Weddings) that inspired me to call them:

The look of this place really reflects to me what a Texan summer evening wedding should look like. We did visit, and it photographs beautifully (although it is underwhelming in person).

The ceremony would have been in front of this beautiful house:

It's beautiful, but the pavillion (where the reception would be) was way too big for our little wedding. Also, if your wedding is in the summer, there's an extra charge for air conditioning. (!)

Our most favorite outdoor-ish venue was The Hilton DFW Lakes. The food was good, the prices are great, and Amber, the on-site coordinator, was wonderful. The hotel itself is huge, with two swimming pools. We loved the idea that our families could stay here and hang out for a day or two before the wedding. There were plenty of places for the kids to play, too.

This is where we would have had our ceremony. Check out this sunset -- I'm still disappointed!

Two major drawbacks, the worst being the constant sound of airplanes flying during the ceremony, as this hotel is just "minutes" from the airport. Also, the awkward layout and the atrocious mauve 80s decor in the reception room, but you could transform it with a little (okay, a lot of) creativity.

As soon as July 2009 rolled around, I suddenly remembered that I don't last more than 15 minutes in the Texan sun before wilting (not to mention how cruel it would be for our vendors and guests), and we changed our minds. 

How did we finally find the one that was just right for us? We'll share it with you in part 2!

Dress Developments: From the ground up

Watching my dress come together from the ground up has been immeasurably gratifying. I can't imagine wearing something into which I've put so much emotional and financial investment and not knowing how it is constructed and put together. 

The first part of the process, of course, is taking a million measurements and then building the muslin. You may remember my dress sketch from before:

When I went for the first muslin, we were still working off the measurements taken for That Dress Which Shall Not Be Shown, which was not strapless. To this fitting, I showed up wearing my own strapless bra, because I really just didn't know what else to do. The bra is filled with all kinds of boning and weird supports, but my seamstress, Nazhly, let me know that she's going to build a support system into the bodice of the dress. Whoops! 

So, in this picture I look like a football player. The skirt is fine, but where's my waist? Hm. I was pretty apprehensive about this one.

This is my seamstress' drawing. She modified my sketch and made some notes for her own use. 

Also, she has a very cute dog who loves all the visiting clients! He keeps Nazhly company as she sews. Here he is jumping onto my legs! 

For the next fitting about a week later, we had mostly resolved the issue.  And we came up with a great combination of "garments" to go under the dress. I'm going to wear my body shaper thing (like this one) and my regular bra, with the straps just tucked under! How easy is that?? If I'd known, I could have saved myself quite a bit of wasted money ordering ill-fitting strapless bras. 

Welcome back, waist! The dress was beginning to take shape, and I was reassured that my vision really would come to life. Also, I'm very excited that she's building the dress to be comfortable and to have appropriate coverage up top! 


Here's stage three, about three weeks after that. The dress as shown, in the chosen fabric (no more muslin!) with the underpinnings. The dog liked it, too!

There are some adjustments to be made with the waist and in the back. You might also have noticed that the dress has no waistband yet. The hem looks weird because it is just pinned under. 


Here, you can see the lace better. We also had to forego the V I'd planned in back. I'm not as excited with the straight-across back, but it was the only way for the dress to hold everything up, if you know what I mean! You can't fight with physics.

Check it out! It's me, in a wedding dress. The next step is... the finished product! You'll have to wait a bit for a photo of that one. But I assure you, it is finished and is locked away in a closet here in our house, where Mr. Oyster can't get to it.


I must take a minute and give credit to my amazing seamstress, Nazhly Montilla. She's been sewing nearly all her life, and she doesn't make a lot of dresses; as she works on just one wedding gown at a time. Her work is incredible, and I'm so lucky to have met her. I just can't believe the quality and workmanship of this dress. It is on par with any Amsale or Priscilla of Boston you could find. I am so very happy it has turned out well! I can't wait to show you all.


From the sketch to the finished product, my dress was built in just over three months. Did you know that it's easier to build a dress from scratch rather than make one, rip it apart (alterations), and put it back together? 


When I went to visit my mom, I was watching TV with her (she has cable! How exciting) and caught a few episodes of SYTTD. For a minute, I was sad about missing the whole bridal-salon experience. But what could be better than jumping off the bridal-industry train and doing things myself? Custom dresses aren't for everyone, but I'm thrilled with my choice. I can't wait to wear my dress!