It's Weddin' Time!

Years ago, when I was single, I had a dream that it was my wedding day, and I didn't have a dress. People were running around, there were some flowers, and my mother and I were staring at the closet thinking, "What shall I wear?" Eventually we chose some old dress and some earrings. But it wasn't what I really wanted.

Apparently my mother, having known I'd meet someone someday, had sent me a beautiful Vera Wang dress. But the dress was so unbelievably beautiful and my prospects for marriage so far away that I couldn't imagine it, and I had sent the dress back. And there I was, having spent so much time in disbelief that I refused to believe anything good was coming my way, and inadvertently ruined a day that was so important to me.

I told my mom about the dream and she, being much more religious than I, said that this dream was a message. It meant that I needed to believe that good things could happen for me, and that I should "get ready."

Well, I did. Eventually I went from despondent disbelief to happy expectation, and two years ago today, met Mr. Oyster. Apparently he is also one for visions and dreams; he told me after we were engaged that when he first met me, he'd imagined me in a wedding dress.

Here I am, on my wedding day (with a dress!), and as ready as I'll ever be. From the moment we decided to marry, I've tried to enjoy everything about our engagement, from the initial congratulations of friends and family (and strangers!), to the disputes I may or may not have had with Mr. Oyster, to the unsolicited advice I may or may not have gotten from family members, to the anxieties and wedding-related freakouts and the blissful anticipation. Because each and every one of those things, whether they were joyful or heartbreaking, all meant that Mr. Oyster and I were joining our lives together and those of our families, and that a great change was taking place.

When I got engaged, one of my best friends said to me, "Hey, girl! It's weddin' time!" And so it is. The past few weeks have contained the usual whirlwind of pre-wedding things...


Opening a few early-arrival gifts (with the help of a certain cat)



Wrapping a bunch of gifts



The arrival of our congratulatory note from the President



One or two last minute projects (I'll show you later how these earrings were creatively used)



A computer screen that constantly looks like this



and driving all around the state with appointments, meetings, and greeting happy family members... and a trip or two (or four) to the airport.

I mentioned in another post my belief that planning a wedding and preparing for marriage are linked. This, our wedding, is our first presentation to the world as a couple; a public declaration of our intention to start our lives together. Everything has been planned, ordered, prepared, scheduled, and engineered to make this the best day possible, and I hope it is.

At the moment, I feel like I'm on one of those roller coasters; you spend all this time on different twists and turns, but all the sudden everything slows down and you go up, up, up... and you stop before the big drop, and in that moment you can see everything clearly; you can see for miles; it's a beautiful view of where you've been and where you're headed. You know you're going to go down, and it's going to be incredibly fun and a little scary all at once, and will be over too soon. You know that there are many ahead of you that have already done it, and some behind you that will go afterwards, but it's still your turn and your experience will be like no one else's.

Part of me feels completely unready for this, but mostly, I feel as though I've been ready my whole life.

Bridal portrait by Heather Essian

My hardest wedding-planning decision

When I got engaged, hardly anyone asked, "When's your date?" like they do most girls. Instead, my friends and family, aware of my inherited interest in photography, asked me, "Who will be your photographer?"

For the first half of our engagement, I couldn't answer them.

Here's my confession, and the reason I'm writing on this particular subject with very little time left before the wedding: For the first half of our engagement, I couldn't even envision our wedding. I'd been independent for so long, and making a concerted effort not to hope for marriage with every boyfriend that came along (lest I be disappointed), that now it was real and I couldn't picture it.

Oh sure, I could picture it in the abstract; I'd been secretly dreaming about it for years. I could imagine dancing with my husband, imagine walking down the aisle, seeing the smiling faces of my family and friends. But it was hazy; blurry; unreal. I couldn't choose a person whose eyes I wanted to see my wedding through, because I couldn't see it myself. Finally, I stepped back and decided to think about what my wedding really meant to me, and then the decision was easy.

I knew that the emphasis at our wedding will be on the interactions of our families and friends, and our happiness that we have them with us that day. I knew that I did not want our wedding to be about trends, or about details or little things you can make with a coffee stirrer, but about us, and about our love. I knew that our photographer had to be someone who understood that this day was the realization of a dream, as weddings always are.

I knew that I wanted our wedding day to be captured emotionally; I knew that I wanted organic, natural moments to come through. I knew that the images had to be good enough for me to say, "Oh, how sweet!" instead of "Nice lighting..."

 

...although light is nice, too.



I knew that I wanted to look at the images and hear the voices of those who were at the wedding.



I knew that I wanted to look at these pictures one day with my kids and be transported back to that day so many years ago; the fear, the anxiety, the joy. I wanted these pictures to help me remember love.

 




There is no checklist in the world that can illuminate the importance of these things. Technical competence and trendy processing are no substitute for real, true, captured emotion, which never goes out of style.

David Wittig was someone I'd seen in a forum years ago, well before I met Mr. Oyster. He rescued a thread that had become particularly contentious, and earned my respect in doing so. His blog has been in my RSS ever since. 

When I looked at his work again in the context of being engaged, the choice was easy. The things I originally liked about their work were the same things I wanted in my own wedding photographer. He and his wife Nancy are photographic storytellers like no one else.

I spoke to Nancy over the phone, and she said to me, "Weddings are an opportunity for us to make art." It is always a treat to encounter someone so passionate about their work, and I feel very lucky in getting a chance to work closely with people I admire, though the decision about photography was less about the images and more about the choice itself.

For some, wedding photography isn't much of a priority. For me, it is the symbol of the timelessness of weddings; of the fleeting nature of the moments, the happy recollections of those who are with us and those who are not. A photograph is a memory made tangible. Choosing a photographer is what began to make our wedding real to me.

My time as an engaged woman is coming to an end, and as the little details threaten to overshadow all meaning and rational thought, I try never to forget what I learned in this process.

I believe that the act of planning of wedding and the preparation for marriage are inextricably linked. I firmly believe that brides/grooms who are hopelessly indecisive about the cake, or the flowers, or about the dress, are really saying, "What is it I want? What does this symbolize? What do I want to remember, what do I want to present to the world?"

My wish for those in the midst of making thousands of little choices is that you embrace the indecision, and that you use it to help discover who you and your fiance are and what your wedding means to you. A decision made from this place is seldom regretted.

*All images in this post by our wedding photographers, David Wittig Photography. The bridal portraits, described in a previous post, were by someone else.

Lessons from the Bridal Shoot

The day of my bridal portrait shoot I was a harried, hot mess. It was a million degrees here in Dallas. I had to finish the flower I'd made for my hair in the morning. I had a million errands to run which included going to the hair/makeup appointment, picking up the bouquet, getting a manicure, at some point I needed to eat something, and of course, the portraits themselves which were located an hour away. I was hot, stressed out, tired, and alone, and I never could get it together.

My makeup/hair appointment started about an hour late (so much for the usually-punctual Miss Oyster!). I'd been so stressed and preoccupied lately that I'd forgotten to actually pick a hairstyle and just said, "You know, lots of curls." It was so hot and humid and my hair appointment so much earlier than the portraits that she put the curls in pins, which, when taken out a few minutes before the portrait shoot, looked kind of weird. And they fell five minutes into the photo shoot, because the photographer's a/c shut off when I got there.

I didn't pick a makeup look either, and when she asked if I wanted a natural look or something "more formal," I picked the latter. It looked awesome at the salon, and it was told her I trusted her to do "something formal and nice." The makeup she chose looked fine at the salon, and was absolutely perfect... for a red carpet debut! (She does work on celebrities, I should have known...) but in hindsight I definitely want a more natural look for the wedding day. My mistake.

My makeup/hair artist is awesome and I love working with her -- this was actually the most fun part of the day -- but I should have done my homework!

Next was my bouquet. My new GPS took me around downtown Dallas with wrong turns and down wrong streets, and I lost 30 minutes going from the salon to the florist, five miles away. Did I mention it was a Friday afternoon? It took an hour. My bouquet ended up very similar to a picture I'd given him (yay!), but he forgot the instruction to make it much bigger. It was too late to fix it. I'd also forgotten to mention my strong aversion to hydrangeas. It was pretty enough though, and lasted a few days:

By the time I arrived to the photographers' studio, I described a little of my day and how stressed I was, and the photographer said, "Welcome to your wedding day!" Um, no... not if I can help it!

And here's yet another post that I didn't get to finish until days before the actual wedding, so here's my perspective, and why I'm incredibly glad I went through this.

I am now a confirmed evangelist for the "bridal portrait" experience. Even if you are in a location or country where bridal portraits are not common (or even odd), do it. Even if you're not actually having portraits done, get a friend to pretend with a camera for a bit.

Do the whole thing; get your outfit together, have your makeup/hair done, have your bouquet, your manicure, etc. Sit, crouch, hug, stand, and walk around in your dress. Get stared at by strangers. Maneuver in and out of a car. There is nothing like going through the experience to make you feel like a bride and, more importantly, make concrete just how much work goes into your wedding day -- not to mention that on the day itself, you'll have all sorts of familial interactions and other things to deal with (like getting married!). I highly recommend it.

From this mess of a day, I learned that:
- the wedding day itself is not a day for running around.
- my dress is super light and comfortable (thanks to my seamstress!)
- my shoes aren't as comfortable as I thought they'd be.
- I'm so glad it was so hot on the day of the portrait shoot -- it reminded me how I react to heat. No outdoor portraits for our "first look," thank you very much!
- I need to be clear about my hair and makeup.
- I enjoyed the social experience of being a bride. A bike rider whizzing by said, "Hey, girl! Congratulations!" In most cases, these kinds of expressions are heartfelt and sincere, so I didn't mind at all. It was super fun.

In addition to some much-needed lessons, this day did have a highlight. During my hour-long drive home, I called Mr. Oyster and said, "Hey, my makeup is done and I have some curls left in my hair. Maybe we should go out!" He took me to a cute little Italian restaurant and then we went to a trendy frozen yogurt place that doesn't allow pictures. The yogurt was delicious, as you can see in this photo. ;-) You can also see what is left of my "stripey" (according to Mr. Oyster) makeup.

Totally deserved after a hot, tiring, stressful day! Now that my wedding day is almost here, I am so glad I went through this experience. It has alleviated untold amounts of stress, and given me a much clearer picture of what the day will look like.

Why a wedding

When you are dating someone and your immediate family lives a few thousand miles away, there's no casual get-togethers, no "bring your boyfriend to the family picnic," no "let's meet him." Everything is a little more formal and requires plane tickets, formality and bracing yourself for that let's-get-everything-done-while-you're-here feeling that your parents have when you come visit, which will be familiar to anyone else who lives far away from their families.

Mr. Oyster didn't meet my mother until after we were engaged, when we took a trip in early 2009 to visit her. When my mom and grandmother came to visit me in the fall, they were here to help with wedding plans and also to meet Mr. Oyster's parents.

The first night they were here, the six of us went out to dinner. As the parents met each other for the first time, the palpable joy was nearly overwhelming. Everything, from the small talk, to the conversations to find things in common, to the shared enthusiasm over their new son/daughter, was underscored with happiness and anticipation and welcoming enthusiasm.

That first meeting was the first time I really understood what all this meant. It was the first time that my and Mr. Oyster's love for each other meant something other than "just the two of us." We were joining lives, and families, and while this is true for all weddings and repeated so much as to be a cliche, I couldn't help but marvel at how something that started between two people could create happiness for so many. I was overwhelmed and humbled by it.

That same weekend, we had a little engagement party at our home: parents and bridal party members and their families. I made one of my favorite Mexican meals and we turned on some music and a basketball game. It wasn't anything special, but it was so great to see everyone together and get a taste of what was to come a few months later (or, later this week!).

I have two wonderful ladies in my bridal party, and they are both maids of honor. The one you met already has an adorable daughter that totally stole the show. I don't think she'd ever seen a cat before and was so excited to meet ours! Can you see him? He blends in with the couch.



My mom and grandmother, whom you've met already. Aren't they gorgeous? I have friends that refuse to believe my mom is really my mom; they say things like, "Your sister is so nice!" Just wait until they see her Mother-of-the-Bride dress!



Here are all my moms.



I'm glad Mr. Oyster got a picture of me laughing with my two best friends.



At the end of the night, my friend's daughter suddenly got attached to my mom, and wouldn't let go of her hand. She held on all the way out the door! Little kids are hilarious.



Apparently, my friend and I have similar taste in husbands! We've been friends for years and I'd never noticed until my friend's little daughter had trouble telling them apart. We are still laughing about this.



Mr. Oyster and his father, sharing a laugh.



I remember that I had been worried about awkwardness, and about all the usual party things; would people like the food, would they talk to one another, would they be weird? But everything fell into place. Mr. Oyster and I were so happy to have them at our home, and happy to be celebrating with them, and hopefully this extended to our guests. I can only hope for a repeat at our wedding.

It was a great night, and a wonderful part of my memories of being engaged. I have several people in my life from different circles and from different regions of the country, and it was great for us to see everyone in the same room. If you can, I highly recommend a little get-together or something relatively early in your engagement, even if it is informal.

I was initially struck by the almost universal good wishes and enthusiasm and love and support that was shown us when we announced our engagement. Are they really that happy, for us? But I thought about my own reactions; when someone I love dearly is celebrating a marriage, or the completion of a degree or the birth of a baby, I always want to celebrate with them. The desire to share in their happiness is almost like ownership. You want to know that you had some part in who they are and the reason they're so happy now.

Of course, everyone is different, but the reason we are having a wedding is to share this with our friends and families, people we love dearly and want to acknowledge for their part in our lives and in our happiness. And selfishly, it just feels really great to be the recipients of that!

The engagement party was our first chance to experience that, and we'll have another chance very, very soon. I continue to be honored by the love and support shown us by our families and friends, and I hope that they can know the depth of our gratitude for that.